The No Woman

Sigh. I've missed this blog! Since I last wrote, life has gotten really busy, solely to do with writing. My film review was accepted and published, now I'm writing one pretty much every week. The magazine editor noticed my productivity and has been giving me cool assignments (i.e. best brunch spots) that have been encouraging me to explore more of Jakarta!

I've been juggling so many articles for both the daily paper and the magazine that I needed to make one of my beloved spreadsheets to keep on top of it! Oh, and I turned 24 more than a month ago, which served to remind me how I must get a move on with everything I want to do... so must keep busy busy.

It's both bad and good, because I often feel super stressed out, but more and more, sitting and writing and completing an article is my ultimate idea of bliss, particularly in a cafe with light buzz and big pot of tea. I am working everyday on the work-life balance to try and minimise burnout. I might be allowing myself to slip into my OCD tendencies again... but I think this is what I need to do. The best thing in my life right now is that I feel I know what I want to do, and I am working towards it.

My current goal is to become a completely freelance journalist (imagine the freedom!), and every day is like training in that direction. I think you definitely need to have to some savings (enough for about four months of living at least) before you jump into that deep end... getting paid for articles is like pulling teeth, so if you have to count on it too much, you'll probably go crazy. You also need to build your reputation so editors will want to take your stuff and throw assignments your way.

I got so excited about the interest and assignments I was getting, that I felt I had to say yes to everything, for fear of missing out on better assignments later on. But I've learned that I should really start saying no... got so many half-baked assignments I'm not that passionate about... so the goal for this month is to clear this backlog, and from now on pick my assignments more judiciously. It's no good publishing a lot of articles I'm not that proud of... the quality won't be as good as with articles that come from the heart.

The not-so-great things remain the same, but I don't have as much time to dwell on them. Jakarta still drives me crazy. Copy-editing is getting ever more tedious, especially with the added annoyance of office politics finally drawing me in. I generally feel like I'm getting to be quite a dull and bitter person, but maybe this has to be the trade-off for now... I'm truly realising simply can't have it all.

Like a year ago, I had some of the things I miss now: lots of fun times with friends, my own place, a life in a city with comprehensible public transport, parks and shoes in my size, plenty of wine and cheese, romantic (ish) prospects ... but I was also unemployed, and getting increasingly stressed by living with Sketchy. I had just returned from two weeks in Jakarta. Looking in my moleskine diary, I actually see that exactly a year ago to the day, was when Amber Eyes tried it on with me (a seriously weird moment considering our history), before jumping into Sketchy's bed in a huff. Ha! It's kinda terrible, but I also enjoyed that sort of drama... silly things like that seemed to be appropriate young twenty-something behaviour... now, everything seems awfully serious and grown-up.

And not just when it comes to me either. The "global economic downturn" (an overused phrase in The Jakarta Post) seems to have led to a widespread depression, particularly among those of my generation (or maybe it just seems that way from my perspective, as mine are the ones attempting to find jobs in this tense economic climate). So many challenges are being thrown at my friends. I'm struggling to think of purely good news that anyone's been able to share... there's always a flipside... if one thing goes well, like career, it follows or is followed by heartbreak.

So in the absence of many real-life delights, I'm having to rely on books and TV for some delicious escapism. Glee, a new musical-dramedy from Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy is rather hitting the spot...

Return to the Big Durian

I've actually been back for a week now, but am still allowing the decaying shroud of my holiday in Cambodia to envelop me. It's part of the reason why I procrastinated on completing what I imagined to be an easy travel piece on Phnom Penh, I didn't want to put it down into words, signalling it was over. The other reason was Buffy, and the way its taken over all my free time lately! Behold the new Whedonite.

It's not so bad being back actually. The trip to Cambodia was exactly what I needed -- relaxing, inspiring, heartwarming -- but I missed my family more than ever while away(I always want them with me in Cambodia), plus was spending money I don't really have, so returning to the family bosom was comforting. And I am more certain that I ever I will return to live next year, shortly after my contract is up. Hopefully I can find a job.

I've decided to stop trying to love Jakarta, I never will. It's just unsuited to me. I felt so content in Phnom Penh -- no doubt partly because its familiar and nostalgic, but also because its so much easier. No traffic, lots of lovely shopping and dining, a view of a river... open spaces. I may as well be living underground in Jakarta, so rarely am I willing to face outside, with thick air, thick traffic and lack of pavement. When someone in PP asked me what Jakarta was like, I tiredly answered Thick, and they nodded. The no-pavement thing is so annoying, but I guess rarely anyone walks from place to place here, so they don't need them. I won't go on like this because the theme is essentially that Jakarta sucks, Phnom Penh rules.

I wonder if I can truly like any new place, if there isn't a part of me embedded in it, so to speak. The only two cities I know I feel at home in are London and Phnom Penh -- and I am half-English (and went to uni in London) and grew up in the latter. Everywhere else I've been, in a living sense, rather than just a holiday way, has felt a bit off, perhaps that was simply unfamiliarity. I think back on my time in Dar es Salaam fondly, remembering it as a beautiful haven, at the same time, if I dig deeper, I also recall the profound loneliness and boredom. Jerusalem spooked me, despite the beauty of the Old Town, the tension could be felt everywhere, and at night I heard ancient howling (probably just the wind blowing around the Mount of Olives) that unnerved me (I worried if I properly listened to it, I could actually understand what the howls were 'saying'). I have this romantic idea of trying out a new city every year of my twenties. Cities that I imagine I might like to live in include San Francisco, New York, Edinburgh and New Orleans. For the sake of my area studies, I'd like to try some more Southeast Asian cities.

Other than all that, I guess almost everything I wanted this summer. Best friends visiting (Tofu and Anne), Cambodia, seeing Doc again, a proper holiday, all tangled up together.

I am back now. Time will pass. Better make the most of it. But for a bit longer, I will gaze at my too few holiday pics -- here is a shot of the tranquil Mekong in Kampot, just before the sun begins to set.

The Idiot

Sigh. This is a rubbish half week so far, I'm glad it's over tomorrow! I hate it when I have to work over the weekend... particularly as I feel like I haven't had proper time off in forever. The five days mini-holiday I was due to embark on in the last post never happened... ending up covering two colleagues, as I owed one a day and the other was ill. Wanted to earn some extra holiday for when I really need it! Then I had four days off in a row and spent 85% of that joyous free time SLEEPING. Seriously! And not in a good way. It started off with a day of puking and then I could barely sit up for no discernable reason for all that time. And then of course, the morning I was due to return to work (last Thursday), I felt perfectly fine. I feel cheated, and behind on my self-projects.

So I have not been a good work bunny the past "working week", which I better address pronto, before anyone strongly notices. I have been dishevelled and finding it hard to muster care about all the finicky grammar things I should. We had an editorial meeting today and I very blatantly stared into space, looking utterly depressed.

However, I have succeeded in writing my first features article! I will share it once its published, which should be Wednesday, in case anyone points out any glaring errors pre-production. I'm quite proud of it, and now I've done it, future ones should be a bit easier to attempt. I haven't published anything since 2005, which gave me a severe case of jitters. Felt like I was about to lose my publishing virginity again. Unfortunately, unlike the real sort of virginity, drinking (which I did try out) did not assist in moving things along. But it got done, and in the nick of time, so hopefully that's fine.

Unfortunately, I have also faffed up in another way. You see, I offered an article to both the daily paper and the monthly magazine, which have different editors. It was on the same person, but I thought there was so much content, I could write two articles on different aspects. And it seemed the monthly magazine wouldn't publish it til two months from now, while the daily paper could publish it sooner, and one of the aspects was a really important, "hot topic" that I worried be less relevant if it was left too late. Blah. So I offered to to the magazine editor, who accepted, and then to the features editor, telling her I had offered it to the magazine editor, did she think it would be possible for me to do two or too much overlap? And she said it would be fine, and that she would talk to the magazine editor about it. At this point, I should have spoken to him too, but both intimidate me to be honest, the magazine editor particularly (as I had to chase him across the office to get him to talk to me in the first place), so I thought I would just take her at her word and leave her to sort whatever out with him.

So, I was supposed to give both articles in on Friday, but couldn't as the person I interviewed did not complete the email interview til that afternoon. The features editor said Monday would be fine. And then of course, typical me, today I was still madly writing both at the same time, but I didn't know how I could properly differentiate them unless I knew when the magazine one would be published. So I finally contacted the magazine editor, asking just that, and acknowledging I should have spoken to him directly, but imagined he and the features editor had probably discussed it anyway. He got back to me, and the features editor had obviously never spoken to him, and he said he was surprised I had essentially offered the exact same article to the features desk after I had him, without telling him, and that it would be a stretch to do two articles on the same person, as the two publications were linked.

He didn't seem expressly annoyed... but I imagine he thinks I'm an immature idiot. I probably didn't help matters by apologising and saying I was a bit nervous around the office still. So. I don't know how I am going to get into his good books. Guess it will take even longer than it would have to begin with.

However, I have decided I absolutely hate deadlines, not having quite recovered from the trauma of the uni experince just yet... so I am going to avoid them at all costs for foreseeable future. I am not quite a journalist, essentially just a salaried subeditor and a freelance features writer. So from now on, I will write articles at my own pace, and only offer them to either the features section, Sunday paper or monthly magazine once they are done, or near enough so! So I will never again seem like a blithering idiot and promise articles that don't exist yet. I love writing, but not when it feels forced.

In other non-careery news... not much else to report. I still veer between loneliness, happiness, boredom and bliss, on a pretty much daily basis. I am getting to know my workmates better, but most of all, more than any romance, I am longing for great girlfriends... twirling... cocktails... and proper gossip.

Gimme!